go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
