This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
