someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
