My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
