So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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