How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
