I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
