haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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