just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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