Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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