Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
