Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize