found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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