Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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