Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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