this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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