whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
