Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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