i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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