New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When are your genitals available?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
