Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
