so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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