Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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