i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She announced her abortion via fbk
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
