Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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