I'd wear matching sweaters with you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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