Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
