you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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