Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
