I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
