dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
