So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
