census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
