I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
