I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
