that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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