big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
