the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
