you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
