God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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