Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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