I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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