I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
