I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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