I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
