It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
