I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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