babies were throwing up all over the place
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize