but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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