david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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