if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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