so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize