that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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