We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
