If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
