Nicole vs. Life
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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