at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
