I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize